The Senate Hearing on Domestic Violence | Turning Point: The Official Dr. Phil Blog

The Senate Hearing on Domestic Violence | Turning Point: The Official Dr. Phil Blog

Dr. Phil has been campaigning all year long to end domestic violence. The other day, he testified before Congress in hopes of protecting the Violence Against Women Act. This act funds programs vital for victims and survivors of domestic violence. It provides resources and help for this terrible threat against women, especially when that threat is immediate. It helps to keep shelters for women open, supports vouchers for emergency housing and supports women in the most dangerous time during domestic violence: A woman is more likely to be killed by her abuser shortly after she leaves him. Reauthorizing this law is so very important in the crusade to end domestic violence, but its certainly isn't enough.

Please take the time to write your representative and your senator. Tell them you support this legislation, but that more like it is needed. Almost 10,000 women are failed each day even with this law in place to help victims of abuse. Encourage your friends and family to follow suit. One in four women have been the victim of domestic violence in her lifetime. Count your friends, then do the math. Almost three-quaters of the population knows someone who is or has been the victim of domestic violence.

And here's an interesting tidbit from The Domestic Violence Resource Center:

Domestic violence and children:

In a national survey of American families, 50% of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.

(Strauss, Murray A, Gelles, Richard J., and Smith, Christine. 1990. Physical Violence in American Families; Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers)

On average between 1993 and 2004, children under age 12 were residents of households experiencing intimate partner violence in 43% of incidents involving female victims and 25% of incidents involving male victims.

(Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004, 2006.)

Domestic violence damages children. It is a proven fact, which is why its called Domestic Violence and not just beating your partner emotionally, mentally, physically and financially or assault. It happens in the home many times in front of children. If not directly in front of children, they know. Children are more intuitive than we give them credit for-- they are more aware of their surroundings and their parental relationships than we think.

Here's a link to Second-hand Domestic Abuse.

Also, daughters of abused women are six times more likely to be sexually abused as girls from non-abusive families.

I also bet you didn't know that domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... BAM. It's done. And its done again. Right now, as you read this. By the time you've finished reading this post, how many women have been beaten by their partner? Even one is one too many.

I support Dr. Phil in his campaign. I support my local and state efforts to turn victims into survivors. I support the end to domestic violence. Every time we deny that it happens, every time a woman isn't honest about being abused or surviving abuse, we allow an opportunity for the violence against women to continue. Our daughters, sisters, nieces and mothers pay a high, grave price for our silence.

Wanna know that price? Here are some cold, hard facts compiled by and borrowed from The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

• On the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day.¹
• 92% of women say that reducing domestic violence and sexual assault should be at the top of any formal efforts taken on behalf of women today.²
• 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.³
• 1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.³
• 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.⁴
• As many as 324,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy. ⁵
• Violence against women costs companies $72.8 million annually due to lost productivity.⁶
• Ninety-four percent of the offenders in murder-suicides were male.⁷
• Seventy-four percent of all murder-suicides involved an intimate partner (spouse, common-law spouse, ex-spouse, or boyfriend/girlfriend). Of these, 96 percent were females killed by their intimate partners.⁷
• Most murder-suicides with three or more victims involved a “family annihilator” — a subcategory of intimate partner murder-suicide.Family annihilators are murderers who kill not only their wives/girlfriends and children, but often other family members as well,before killing themselves.⁷
• Seventy-five percent of murder-suicides occurred in the home.⁷

1. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003.

2. Progress & Perils: New Agenda for Women, Center for the Advancement of Women. June 2003.

3. Silverman, Jay G., Raj, Anita, and Clements, Karen. “Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and Suicidality.” Pediatrics, August 2004.

4. Teenage Research Unlimited. Findings from study commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. to investigate the level of and attitudes towards dating abuse among American teenagers aged 13 to 18 [online] 2005 Feb [cited 2006 Mar 20]. Available from: URL: www.loveisnotabuse.com/statistics_abuseandteens.htm5. Gazmararian JA, Petersen R, Spitz AM, Goodwin MM, Saltzman LE, Marks JS. “Violence and reproductive health; current knowledge and future research directions.” Maternal and Child Health Journal 2000; 4(2):79-84.

6. Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Center for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA/

7. Violence Policy Center (VPC), American Roulette: Murder-Suicide in the United States, April 2006.

So, when I talk about breasticles, I wonder... do you really have them? If so, then speak up, be heard for your fellow women (and men, because they can be abused, too) who cannot be heard, aren't listened to, and need to focus on surviving a violent relationship instead in order to stay alive. Speak up for the children who have no voice, but suffer along side the abused, either directly or indirectly. Offer a safety net for someone who is currently a victim, without judgement. Speak the truth about domestic violence to our lawmakers. Tell them you agree with Dr. Phil and take his pledge to end the silence.

Then get a little grass roots. Donate to women's shelters. Volunteer. Give your time, lend your voice, send some soap... every little bit counts, but first let those dudes in Congress know that the VAWA needs to be reauthorized!

Now for something...

...completely different.


I like Dr. Phil because he has a decent, practical approach to life. Nothing is ever rocket science, its all down to earth and my husband is known as the "Dr. Phil" of his company (he's not a doctor, but a therapist). I imagine they subscribe to same school of psychology. The husband doesn't care for the format in which Dr. Phil conducts his therapy, but he respects the underlying philosophy.

Today, while browsing my facebook news feed, I came across this:

It really made me think. Ongoing feud? Why? Why on earth would you let your marriage have an ongoing feud? In fourty-one minutes, the questioned garnered almost 400 answers, most them of stating the particular feud in their marriage. Thank goodness some people answer that life is simply too short to get your knickers in a twist over hair in the sink, the toothpaste cap and not putting the toilet seat down. I agree with the minority.

I think that when you are truly in love, in real love, you find those idiosyncrasies endearing. You understand that your spouses sole purpose on earth is not to annoy you with a barrage of disgusting or different habits. You love their flaws because its what makes them different from you, what makes them uniquely human. My husband's hair in the sink doesn't bother me in the least. Sometimes I wonder how he does it, but instead of getting intensely frustrated that 6 years into our relationship we can't overcome that problem (because it clogs the sink), I actually think about him, the person, with warm, fuzzy thoughts.

I wonder about sink design-- why hasn't anyone developed a man-proof sink yet? That makes me think about how impractical men are when designing the nuts and bolts of household appliances and fixtures. If they don't clean it and unclog it, how do they know its a design flaw?

That's the thing about these feuds. What happens is that you think your partner is purposely doing something to annoy you. Then the offending partner gets caught off guard with you unloading this rather small, but intimate complaint in a big way. The offending partner feels bad for offending and what's worse is the culprit is an ingrained habit of which a second thought is never given. The offending partner feels personally attacked for being themselves (which no one likes!). They find themselves arguing that the behavior wasn't to punish you for X, Y and Z or because they wanted to stick it to you for the sake of mean-ness. Then it gets ugly, quickly.

Words fly, feelings get hurt, and one day you may even find yourself with irreconcilable differences because he's got to trim the beard he grew in order to minimize the hair clogs in the sink. Or maybe he never altered the behavior and the offended partner feels like she isn't important enough to accommodate. In whatever case, its easy to let facial hair, a tube of toothpaste, a toilet seat, or household duty sharing spiral out of control.

Yet, nobody gets divorced because of toothpaste. They get divorced because they feel unloved, they feel their needs weren't being met and the marriage became a very negative circumstance with hurt feelings.  You get divorced because these feuds have the underlying message that "He doesn't love me enough to consider how his actions make me feel". Or "She didn't love me enough to consider how her judgment feels to me".

We have this idea that we should just *know* how to have a relationship, how to exist in a marriage, how to navigate all the rocky seas of coupling instinctively. The problem is we don't have these instincts. As mom of an autistic kid, let me say that no one has a freaking clue. These things are learned and not all relationship education is created equal. We have this funny habit of assuming the other half of our marital unit should know how we feel, how to make us feel better or worse, and how fix their irritating habits for us to feel better. Rarely do we take the time to educate ourselves on how this actually works. Let me tell you, your partner doesn't know-- sometimes they just make good guesses based on history. Sometimes not. And changing habits? In marriage, it doesn't work so well solo. Marriage is about a team effort.

Part of the problem is our inability to choose the correct partners. We settle, we rush into relationships, we think we change our mates after the wedding, we don't realize that what our deal-breakers are, we are too lazy to work at it and think a healthy, happy relationship just happens.

We fail to realize that we have the super-power in our lives that has been known to save marriages: We get to choose how act and re-act. Should our partners change their annoying habits or should we change our reaction to those habits? I think the answer is somewhere in between. Combining appropriate action with appropriate re-action is freaking awesome.

Duh-da-da-duh: Super Wife and Super Husband with their uncanny abilities to put things in perspective!! A dynamic duo, indeed!

If there is something that really irritates me, I discuss it with my husband. I make it a point to make sure he knows that I know it is not something he intentionally does to hurt me. I make sure he knows that I love him. I explain rationally, calmly and without judgment (no way it ever helpful to say "you are nasty human being because you left the toilet seat up!) the problem *I* am having. After all, it is my issue and its something I need his help to resolve. In turn, he is willing to make me feel more comfortable by either obliging, working to a reasonable compromise, or allowing me to sort through why it bothers me in a supportive way. This is a great strategy for the big things-- parenting, money, work, intimacy, family-- not just the little. We communicate our needs pretty well so that there is no feuding.

Sometimes, I will exclaim something completely random when I am frazzled and encounter all my pre-rinsed, dishwasher ready dishes  covered in ranch dressing. I normally throw up my hands, saying "Argh! You people drive me crazy!" in an exaggerated tone. Just doing that makes me laugh out loud, but if it doesn't, my husband's deer in the headlight look does. I can't help but love the fact that he doesn't want to test my sanity with ranch dressing or other condiments. So, I apologize, explain that I'm just frazzled (or have PMS) and melt into his arms. I also make it a point to follow up my post-hug apology with a stunning compliment and a "I love you more than anything". He has his own ritual for changing asshole behavior to loving husband behavior. It works.

There isn't much that bothers me and it isn't often. I can't help but marvel at our capacity to love when I am unclogging a drain. It's is marvelously amazing that as his wife, I am the only person who knows his most intimate habits and flaws. He knows my strange habits and accept them as part of what makes me, me. On top of all this, we love each other. I think he's funny, brilliant, a great father and husband and sexy ass man (and vice-versa). I still get butterflies when walks in the room, despite the knowledge of those intimate habits (that many people find annoying).

I think about how sad it would be if those little, pesky facial hairs no longer graced my sink. How awful it would be if I didn't find empty protein bar containers in cupboard. If his cups no longer needed my assistance getting to the dishwasher. If he never, ever picked up a new toy instead of paying a bill. That would mean he was not with me. That is a very real possibility for us, so I cannot fathom why anyone would choose to argue and feud over such trivial things that when approached in a positive manner could actually further your martial bond.