I'll save you money: Snark Study Review

I'm going to tell you now that I don't need the $34.95 complete version of this study to tell you what the conclusion is going to be and neither do you. Good news, everybody! We just saved almost $40 by switching to common sense. You can thank me later.

I hope you can guess (or assume) the conclusion of this study, too:

Original Paper

Adaptation to Daily Stress Among Mothers of Children With an Autism Spectrum Disorder: The Role of Daily Positive Affect 

(This is me speaking, not the paper) My neighbor always says that mothers of autistic kids are the most easy going, flexible, patient and calm women she ever encounters as a social worker. She even tells me I have the patience of a saint. Lord knows I try...hmm... who is the Patron Saint of Patience? I need more muscle. See, this paper makes me turn to religion from science! 

Mom's of autistic parents are usually chipper and pro-active (not the acne stuff, but the when it comes to my kid I'll call you before you have to call me stuff). Working with moms of autistic kids is easy-peasy because they listen, they give accurate insight, they weigh options and they act. How come we need a study to say a sunny disposition and ability to deal with daily stressors leads to better outcomes for autistic kids? Doesn't it hold true for all kids? (Back to the paper)

 

Naomi V. Ekas and Thomas L. Whitman

Abstract

Raising a child with an autism spectrum disorder is a challenging experience (Really?) that can impact maternal well-being (Whodda Thunk it?). Using a daily diary methodology, this study investigates (1) the relationship between stress and negative affect, and (2) the role of daily positive affect as a protective factor in the stress and negative affect relationship. Results from hierarchical linear models revealed that higher levels of stress were associated with decreased negative affect, both within and across days. Daily positive affect buffered the immediate and longer-lasting negative impact of stress on days of low to moderate levels of stress. Implications of the present study are discussed with regard to theoretical models of positive affect, the development of intervention programs, and directions for future research. 

If you don't know what "affect" means in this context is click here. 

I'm gonna borrow from my neighbor here (Thank you, Mrs. Alex, for inspiring me to have more testicular fortitude): No freaking way. You mean tell me, great science people, that mothers who can cope with daily stress AND keep a smile on their face have special needs children who flourish? 

N-freaking-O. W-A-Y.... N-O-freaking-WAY. Really?

Nah-uh. 

Taking my logic one step further (because it's my birthday and I'm too old not to use logic now-- I actually FEEL smarter each hour past midnight) we can assume that mothers who are stressed the hell out and can't see the humor in their kid telling them to piss off-- in their own autistic, special way-- have kids who don't do so hot. Of course, I'm making sweeping assumptions here. I only read the paragraph above and tid bit from TPGA on facebook (and I quote):
 
"...and this is why we do our best to promote positive role modeling and attitudes. -SR"

Naturally, this paper comes out of a society who vilifies people who take a vacation during stressful times (or at all) and women are doing more today in their roles than they did fifty years ago as mothers. Or at least, it seems like it since there are, er were (economy fail) more two-working  parent households. Remember when the middle class survived on one income? I've only read fifty-thousand articles in the past year on the subject of getting men to do fifty-percent of the house-hold chores in a hetero-partnership where both have full time jobs. You can't pick up a damn magazine without reading about it. So. uh. C'mon now!


What these wonderful scientist people ought to be studying is how to get women in better moods. Really. How about how to make respite, support and stipends more readily available to moms...for, um, I don't know... relaxation time so she isn't wound up as tight as...spring? What do we wind up these days? How about taking some stress off of mom? How about making things like education easier so mom doesn't have to spend her precious energy advocating the for the same basic educational plans year after year after year? How about just making that money for education available cause the doctor and mom said it was necessary? How about doing something revolutionary like working with the mom, instead of against? 


Did we ever stop to think about why on earth a mom wouldn't have a positive outlook? Autism is hard. Being a mom to an autistic kid is hard. Lots of people think they are experts because they watched a ten minute special on the evening news or a talk show, but they don't really get it. Motherhood is hard with regular kids, but damn, autism? It's so hard that fifty years ago, parents would be told send them away forever... "have a do-over kid, folks, the state will care for your kid in this pretty institution you'll hear horror stories about fifty years from now."

How about we stop being all misogynistic about studies?  This abstract might as well read "Mother's who are frigid make their children autistic". It's the same package re-gifted in different words. "Mom's who aren't blowing sunshine out of their bums when everything is a battle outside (and may be inside) their four walls (if they have four walls) don't raise very well-adjusted kids, especially not autistic ones" would be a better title. 

Girls, get your aprons out and iron stuff! Make a casserole. Go bleed in the corner, you poor, fair, misguided sex.


You know what I'd love to see studied? The effect of of easily accessible efficient, proficient medical, educational and social services on maternal stress and autistic children...and junk. Why is it the mothers fault for not having a natural optimistic disposition? I invented something called "The Sunshine Stick" for blue friends, but even I've been a total buzz kill lately. I've been the Anthony Bourdain of motherhood. But damn, if you walked in my shoes, you might have jumped off a tall building already. 

Every single woman who participated in that study-- and you know they had better things to do-- have been degraded by the study's authors, in my humble, yet loud (and feminist) opinion. I have no doubt that the participants were candid about their experiences, like no other demographic would be. Moms of autistic kids have to deal in stone-cold truth everyday. The mothers affect is directly responsible for their child's success. Where's dad in this? Where's the modeling of relationships by parents? By family? By siblings? By the world? C'mon. Don't just blame mom-- that's so fifty years ago. Give her the tools and resources to be better, happier... positive! It's that simple....


But, wait, there's more:

Cause let me tell you-- it isn't my experience with autism or services or doctors or schools or reading these studies that keep me positive. No Sirree. It's my calm, blue ocean. It's a vacation. It's respite. It's a laugh. It's having the skills and support I need to laugh in the vicious, evil, nasty face of daily stress. (OMG, did I pay that bill?? I forgot to put the clothes in the dryer!! Gas is how much??!! Did I defrost some meat?? Do I have Flavor Blasted Goldfish to avoid a bed-time meltdown?!! How do adjust accordingly to this current crisis??!! This. Cannot. Be. Broken.) Sometimes, it's petting the cat. Other times it's talking to my spit-fire neighbor. It's watching stupid television or listening to classical music. It's scrapbooking. It's seeing my kid progress in area when I hadn't expected or had an indicator he would (despite all our effort and hard work). But it is not being left in the cold to take the blame handed out by silly science people. 


Maternal affect and stress is not helped by this study at all. As a matter of fact, this study may have raised my blood pressure and may make me lose sleep. We've lost our way. The success of kids isn't a maternal issue at all. It's a societal issue. Until regular mothers, nay WOMEN are properly supported, us special needs moms are gonna have be judged by our sunny smiles and charming ways. And the width of our Sunshine Sticks. 

 

The Breasticles Affair: A response

You’re kidding, right? My post entitled “Girls, Get Your Beasticles” wound up in the Men’s Rights section of Reddit. I linked to it on Feministe’s Sunday Shameless Self-Promotion with no clue how it would be received or even if it would get any hits. It did get hits and it made a couple readers uppity (but not here, on Reddit itself, boo!).

It’s too bad those that riled up didn’t seem to have the testicular fortitude (or breasticles, you never know) to leave me any comments on my post. I welcome different points of view. I like a spirited discussion. I am interested in not only how women view relationships, but also how men view them. I ask my husband for his perspective all the time because he has male insight that I simply don’t have… cause, you know, I’m a girl.

Here are the comments I’m talking about:

All I could think is “huh”? Methinks they missed the point of the article. Power struggle in the home? No. I actually have no idea where that came from. There’s no power struggle in my home. I’d never even considered power in our relationship. If you look at relationships in terms at power, I just can’t relate to what you are saying because that’s simply not how my marriage works. I'm not advocating for power struggles either, just healthy relationships for women (which by default includes the opposite sex).

Is it because I didn’t dwell on what I do for my husband or what a women should do for a man in a relationship? Did I not say "Give men x, y, and z?" Did I have to? If you want specific perspective on what my husband gets out of our relationship, well, it’s not my place to speak for him.  I can only define how he treats me, how his actions make me feel and how I see our relationship. If you want, I can ask him.  He's probably not feeling up to it though because he's still recovering from brain surgery. Am I missing something otherwise?

Helping yourself? Of course. If you can't help yourself, who else can you help? Unless the implication is that I don't do anything in my relationship but take, take, take. You'd have to talk to my husband about that one. Am I saying relationships should be one-sided? Absolutely not. Again, I'm a women writing about women for the benefit of women. Making a woman's issue a men's issue isn't going to help women and men have better, healthier relationships, starting with a woman who can define her self-worth in an appropriate manner.

Me, me, me? Absolutely, especially since I’m writing from my perspective, based on my experiences, my interpretation of the world, women and relationships. I’m not in a relationship because I’m selfless. I’m in a relationship because *I* want something out of it. It’s the same reason everyone is in a relationship: We get stuff out of relationships. 

Revolutionary? No. That’s my whole point. Happy relationships have really simple formulas. It starts with friendship and mutual respect. If you, man or woman, are going to stay with man through dozen of affairs and/or any kind of abuse, I’m going to call you a moron. Your friends would probably say the same thing. Men have self-worth issues, too, but it manifests differently in relationships. I can't relate to that, don't have experience living it as a man. I'll leave that to the men to talk about. Not revolutionary, but common sense never is.

But okay, if you want a relationship with someone who it is selfless, who doesn’t want anything from you, who doesn’t ever think about themselves or what you can do to improve their existence, by all means have at it. If you want to be sole factor upon which your partner defines her(or his) self-worth, more power to you. I'd be interested to know how that works out for you. Let's talk.

I’ve kind of noticed that men don’t stick around long if they aren’t getting their needs met in a relationship, which I think is really smart.  They define themselves on different sorts of feedback, like career, hobbies, money, family… but not by how self-sacrificing they are to their partners, how they'll stay no matter what.  They don’t normally trap a woman into obligation through pregnancy. And they don’t put up with unfaithful women, especially if those affairs reach double digits. If a woman can't meet a man's expectations, men don't beat around the bush. They'll tell you what they need and if you can't provide it for them, they'll find someone who can. I admit, I could be dead wrong on this one. My observations could be skewed somehow. Correct me if needed, please.

Here’s the thing: I’m a girl. I write about girl stuff at times. I write about relationships because they fascinate me. I write from a female perspective because it’s what I know. I also write from experience. I’m confused as to how or why that is wrong. Perhaps someone can clarify this for me because here is what I’m hearing:

Thinking of myself, what I get out of my healthy relationship, what I see as flawed logic used by women in unhealthy relationships (and just in terms of thinking about relationships in general) is somehow wrong. My saying in the post that women shouldn’t define their self-worth by what men think of them and that they perpetuate things like maltreatment and domestic violence by doing so, by subscribing to that idea, and/or living it through their actions is incorrect? 

The second comment just wireds me out. Hoping off of bad boy cock? I didn’t hop off bad boy cock. I ran the hell away from it as fast I could… all the way to the police station. Why? Because that “bad boy” started beating my stomach when “his genes” were gestating inside of it. Plus, I was tired of all MY hard earned money paying for HIS expensive crack habit. And basically I didn’t want to raise a child with a crackhead.

Pardon me, but I think that it would have been irresponsible and selfish of me to stay with an abusive drug addict. Did I mention I would have also been homeless? The money I gave said "biodad" to pay rent apparently went to drugs. It's fair for a child to have to deal with this kinda behavior? I didn't realize that!

Oh yeah, let me give him his son back. We all know the best place for a kid is with someone not equipped to care for them or themselves, can't provide a home, can't provide food, likes to beat people, go on drug binges and is constantly institutionalized. I should have just stayed and let my gestating son die while I had the chance so that no one else could raise him, my bad.  

Lord forbid I re-married—a crime against father’s right to make a mother suffer through her choices. After all, it’s all my fault another man has stepped into the role of father to my son. Let me run down to the courthouse now so I can file for divorce. Or maybe I should be stoned to death? How could I ever right this wrong? 

I've got an idea: Contact me for his name and phone number. You can ask him about how I took his child away from him, ask him what you can do to help stop me from with-holding his genes from him. How you can help get me away from my husband, too. I'd be happy to give out his info and I'm sure he'd be happy for the commiseration, but don't be surprised if I laugh my tail off doing so... Oh dear, if you only knew...  

I picked a provider, which I didn’t know was an option off the table. I missed that in the dating manual. Even though I was working at the time, supporting myself and my son (with no child support, mind you) I obviously picked a mate based on his ability to pay my way. I've also done some supporting of my husband, but how could that be? Oh, and even though I was making the one of the biggest decisions of our lives (both mine and my son’s), I shouldn’t have even considered my future partner’s ability to parent. Cause that’s just wrong. I just need to sit there with my vagina and get picked like a blossoming flower.

I don’t even begin to understand what the point of that comment was… or what sort of logic it uses, except children don’t have rights. Or maybe women shouldn’t leave the fathers of their children because a biological father knows best how to raise a child that shares their DNA.Or maybe its that you need to stand by your partner no matter what they do, even if it causes harm. Children do not need healthy parents, they need DNA closeness.

I am offended by anyone who thinks my child does not have the right to loving parents in a stable environment, free from abuse of every kind. I think every child deserves that, not just mine. I'll say it again: Unhealthy relationships damage children. It is a fact.

That damage is well documented and you can go ahead an interview adults who grew up with it to even the smallest degree of abuse in their home. Ask them how it affects them today and how it affected them in their childhood. You can go ahead and do the same for children whose parents just didn’t get along, had affairs, did drugs, committed crimes, and who had parents that were generally just not nice or severely unhappy. Let me know if you come up with something different than the accepted facts.

Now, I’m the type of person who isn’t going to stand by anyone who repeatedly behaves badly, especially when it’s directed towards me or my child. Maybe I am fundamentally flawed, but no matter the relationship or the gender, if you fool me once shame on you, twice shame on me so to speak. I'm going to exercise my freedom-- freedom from maltreatment, freedom to choose who I have in my personal life, and my right to life a safe life in the pursuit of happiness.

I’m left wondering from these comments what I’m missing. Why exactly do we pick partners? Or is it that women should not pick, but be picked? What am I missing here? Are you telling me that women should stand by their man no matter what? What insight do I lack? Are my breasticles bigger than your testicles? Or should women just take whatever bones men throw? Does any of this matter? You tell me. Seriously, educate me on your perspective, thoughts, ideas... educate me on the male point of view. Again, I'm a woman, so I cannot pretend to speak for men.

And would you, dear readers,—especially the men—stay with a partner regardless of their actions, regardless of disrespect, chronic infidelity, abuse and other actions that dishonor a partnership or you as a partner? Would you stand by your man or woman until the day you die no matter how bad they hurt you and your family?

Editing this to add:


I've put on comment moderation. Not that I get a lot of comments, but there are some people who want attention and I refuse to give it. This is my space where I write about my life. MY LIFE. The past is what is it is. You don't get to the here and now because of no good reason. Things are what they are because of the histories we create for ourselves. If you are making your life better, you work the steps, do what's required and stop complaining about and blaming other people. You own your behaviors and understand why those you hurt, threatened and basically made life hell for aren't going to trust what you say until there is a long history of compliance and good behavior. And having your wife/girlfriend/fiance or whatever post here is the same game we've been through for 10 years. It's always the girls contacting saying poor him... so to me, that' proof the behavior has not changed. 

And yeah, I'm deleting the comments made by the latest gal in my ex's life.  Cause *I* can control my own space. Yay! 

Girls, get your breasticles!

Breasticles. You know, like testicles... or bollocks or balls? Testicular fortitude? Only for women. Guts. Self-worth and respect. Grow a pair. Stop letting men define who are and walk all over you just because you are too impatient to a) wait for the right man or b) think a woman's worth is directly related to how much attention men give them. Neither is true and seeing a fellow femme behave like they are is very, very maddening.

I watched Dr. Phil today. I know, I shouldn't have because I knew it'd make uppity yet, here we are. Ride or die my arse. You are a coward. You are afraid to put in the effort it takes to find the person that will treat you with the utmost respect or you are afraid to demand respect from the current bozo in your life.

I get this from younger girls. There is a learning curve, especially if we haven't had good role models. If you keep finding yourself in relationships where you mistreated and disrespected, you need help from a professional unless you are willing to or smart enough to figure it out yourself. Do something to change it so you can have the kind of relationship you've always dreamed about.

It's not rocket science but it can be difficult. That's why we have dating: So you can practice being in a relationship, interview potential mates and basically set yourself up for the sort of happily ever after you want and deserve.

It took me three tries. Of course, no one thinks I had a hand in picking the last one. He treats me well, dotes on me, cares for me, provides for me as best he can and is an excellent father and relationship role model for my son. The first two were TERRIBLE. I admit it. I choose poorly, but even still I learned from those serious relationships. The second one was abusive, so I took three years off from dating to prepare myself for a solid relationship... but not just that, I made sure I was in good emotional health before I put myself out there. The more insight you have, the more you are able to reflect (and not rationalize, don't confuse the two) on your past and your behaviors, the better equipped you are to make a relationship work.

My husband didn't rescue me from anything. Luck didn't bring him into my life. It was a choice, my choice. I empowered myself to make healthy relationship choices. I didn't allow myself to be a doormat. I negotiated the terms of marriage. I work at my relationship every single day.

And I knew that through my actions and behavior, I was teaching my son how to be a mate. I am teaching him how to treat a woman. I am teaching him what women are. So, it was my goal to be a positive model for him. I am not going to allow him the message that women are sub-human, doormats, that wait on us hand and foot. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word and there are consequences for your actions in a relationship.

My son sees his parents in love. Real love. The kind where we leave little love notes for each other. The kind that is full of affection. The kind where you have fun together, hug, joke, and work together to solve problems. The kind where you communicate your feelings-- good, bad or indifferent -- in a healthy way.

To be in a relationship as a woman where you are the only one making sacrifices, where you mother a partner to death, where you are not respected... well, it's tantamount to child abuse. Unhealthy relationships DAMAGE CHILDREN. I repeat:  

Unhealthy relationships damage children.

My parents fought when I was child. They didn't get along. It was hard on my little self then. Eventually, they grew into their marriage in a healthy way. Somehow I learned to stand back and look at the big picture so I could get this whole crazy relationship/marriage thing down after a few tries. I knew where I wanted to go, it just took me awhile to get there. Let me tell you that it was worth it. I wouldn't trade my husband for the world...

I would love for every woman I know to experience THIS sorta of marriage. A happy one, despite our problems. We are a team. We have disagreements, but very rarely raise our voices. We communicate in a way that is effective every day, even when we are mad or upset. We apologize to each other when we get snappy. I'm married to my very best friend in the entire world.

My husband and I have never said anything terrible to each other. We never call each other names when we disagree. We never say things to hurt the other. There is no unfair fighting here, barely any raised voices even. (The whole surgery blow out was an exception because we did raise our voices, but we still didn't say anything that hurt the other and we did end up calming down to really talk it out, seeing each others point of view because that is how its done.)

But he also knows that there are certain things I will not tolerate: Abuse, cheating, being mean, taking his anger out on me, lying... you know, all that yucky stuff that some of you reading this put up with all the time because you want or hope if you do it means you are a loving partner. Or something, maybe its easier, maybe you read to many romance novels.

I know a girl who is so good at rationalizing bad relationship behavior (hers and/or his) that she could make it a side-show experience. (Step right up, folks! Only a quarter to see the amazing Rosie the Rationalizer) All she wants is a house to run, babies in her belly and a husband that goes off to work everyday while blowing her a kiss. But she will NEVER EVER get that dream. She'll get the guy who is looking to bag a wife he can mold, give him a sense of family when he wants while grabbing a piece of tail at the bar during happy hour.  The kind of wife who will take it because she is dumb enough to believe its worth it, that she's not worth a good relationship.

She doesn't have the breasticles to put in the effort she needs to get what she wants because she wants what she wants right now. This girl will perpetuate this behavior-- perpetuate this sort of relationship for her children and worse of all for her future daughters. She will teach her children that women are P.O.S's to trample on and are there only to serve men. She will teach her future kids that women are defined solely by men. Her daughters will not have breasticles, they will only have relationships, unhealthy relationships because mom didn't model healthy ones. 

Break the cycle, ladies. Break it now. Don't stay in a relationship where you are not treated well. Don't excuse a man's bad behavior or think you will change him or that he'll wake up one day to realize he's made mistakes, apologize and says he loves you enough to stop hurting you.

It won't happen. Dr. Phil is right: You teach people how to treat you. And you teach kids how people ought to be treated and how relationships work. If you are in a relationship where you are constantly getting hurt and you have kids, you are HURTING your children.

Don't say he's good man because he doesn't hit you. Phooey. Good relationships are not good because they aren't physically violent. Good relationships are happy AND healthy emotionally, physically and mentally. Hitting isn't even a thought... I can tell how good a woman's relationship by whether or not she says "Oh, he'd never lay a hand on me" or "He doesn't get physical with me". That means at some point you, dear woman, thought he might hit you. He scared the bejebus out of you. That statement makes us healthy people in happy relationships wary. Red flag. Huge red flag-- you aren't fooling us. 

Don't let a penis define your self-worth. END OF STORY. END OF RANT. 

Now, are ready to work on those breasticles or do you already have them?

Mother's Day Fog

I woke up with a terrible headache and lots of congestion this morning, so I really didn't get to post the Mother's Day post I wanted. I switched allergy medication a few days ago because I was prescribed a new medication to help my metabolism (before going the Lap Band route, which I would now if my husband wasn't slated for surgery). The Claritin D and Phentermine were just to dangerous a combination, so my doctor switch me to a nasal spray along with Singular. Unfortunately, two things happened: My insurance company covers no weight loss medication and the new allergy medication didn't work very well. (I plan a post on this whole health/weight thing this week because its gotten up my nose and parked there)

The cure for my allergies? Sleeping from 10 am to 4 pm, then taking a dose of Clartin D along with pain medicine. I came back to my half written blog post which left only so I could shower and think it through. I also hoped the steam would loosen up my congestion. The shower did more harm than good, so I laid down after to get a handle on the pain (I'd already medicated with benadryl and ibuprofen, so more medication wasn't an option).

I haven't had such huge issues with allergies since I was 15 years old. At that age, I lost almost an entire year to headaches and fatigue. As an infant, my allergies were so bad that I had to live in a sterile environment-- I was one step from being a baby in a bubble. My poor mother, who had designed a nursery and hand-made curtains and blankets, picked carpet and furniture had to have it torn out so that I could live. Even her breast milk made my little body attack itself uncontrollably.

As far as mothers go, my mom made some pretty amazing mom sacrifices to give me life. My childhood was filled with sickly moments because my body could not handle the world it lived in. And to some degree, it still can't. While I don't remember this time, I can imagine the hardships I created for my mother, a foreigner, with three other school-aged children and a young marriage.

Not exactly a mom's dream, but mom's muddle through, very often with little support from other mothers (her's had passed and her mother-in-law was a thousand miles away).I appreciate all my mom did for me and gave up for me being that I was no easy child.

Anywho, that all brings me to this:

I watched a show on OWN last night after my people went to bed. The show was called No Woman, No Cry and it was a documentary about women, mothers in particular and their lack of... well, women's health services. I learned that too many women die in child-birth each year. I learned those deaths are often seen as inconsequential. I thought of the war on women happening in our own political machine, seeing how the extreme right would love us to adopt this draconian view of the pre-pegnant, pregnant and womb having humans on this Earth. The stories were compelling, scary and yet amazing.

The woman with the courage and strength to tell these stories is Christi Turlington. She's started an organiaztion called Every Mother Counts.

While we are reading about women, I think every woman ought to read this article: HERE.

For Mother's Day, let's honor our girl parts that give us the amazing ability to choose motherhood in our journey as humans, instead of being humans to be owned because we have vaginas and wombs.