Saturday, November 27, 2010

Game On, Again.

Bookmark and Share
About a month ago, our beloved computer bit the dust. After three years, the hard drive went *cough*cough*wheez*sputter*pblllttt...* kaput unexpectedly. Naturally, we had not backed anything up, so I lost everything: every document, every photo, every program... it was a very sad day.

My wonderful husband brought a new one home after robbing a convenience store. Not really, but long story short, we were back in business. Things went well for 20 some days when the new computer had an electronic asthma attack with no inhaler. Fatal.

Turns out we bought a dud. A million hours later with Gateway customer support after CompUSA said "sorry, your 0:00:00:00:01" too late in calling about a problem and we can no longer accept a return". CompUSA said pay UPS shipping to Texas and pack it like a fortress and we'll fix it for free in 3 to 6 years. Ended up taking the sad machine to Staples and getting them to put in a new hard drive.

So, all my Pooping Red Guy images are gone. I have to take new ones... maybe tomorrow Jesus will help me cook a turkey dinner? Since we've had a house full kids, all those poor dudes are all over the place.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Rachel Ray Lazy?

Bookmark and Share
The other night I made chicken stew with turkey bacon dumplings. Let's face it: Bacon makes everything better. When in doubt, add bacon is my motto.

I like to cook, though you wouldn't know it lately. One of my favorite blogs, Cooking with for Assholes posted a recipe for Late Night Bread. It was a parody on a Rachel Ray recipe posted on Food Network's website. Ray's recipe? Late Night Bacon.

Ill-fated attempt at humor by celeb-u-chef? Uncommon knowledge of dine-at-home middle America?  There are two things that trouble me deeply about this recipe:

Firstly, its a microwave recipe. I admit microwave turkey bacon often, but only to get that super crispy-bacon-effect on a microwave can achieve or because I'm in a damn hurry. When I see a chef on television, the only thing they should microwave is chocolate when making some sort of super cute candy coating. Lord knows that no one utter the compliment "Damn, that girl can microwave". Save the microwave for those instant mash potatoes or can of Spaghetti Os (just don't microwave the can, put it in a bowl first).

Secondly, I don't get paid to cook nor do I get paid to educate anyone on making simple, wonderful food not to mention that Food Network doesn't pay me to come up with new and exciting recipes to engage their target audience. Well, that demographic must be filled with bumbling idiots leading me to believe that any schmuck of the streets could be turned into a Food Network Star because that recipe earned 3 out of 5 stars.

It gets worse. The "similar recipe" linked to this offense to my culinary senses? Tagliatelle Bolognese. You've got to be f-ing kidding me.

Rachel Ray if that recipe is joke, it is not funny. Please, for the love of god, stick to what you do best... whatever that is...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Force is strong with this one.

Bookmark and Share

Kids can be mean, which I think they learn well from us adults, but that's a blog for another time. (Being mom of a kid who was bullied, I have a lot to say about the matter) This is the original article HERE about a little first grade girl being teased relentlessly during lunch for her love of Star Wars. Apparently, a group of first grade boys declare that Star Wars is not for girls. George Lucas, Han Solo, Darth Vader and crew, would not approve.

We all know that once you love Star Wars, you cannot unlove it, wake up one day to think it sucks, or want to pass up those fun parodies on Robot Chicken. "Star Wars" and "lame" can't exist in the same sentence unless it is to say "Star Wars is not lame" or "That girl who hates Star Wars is lame". (lame defined as "crippled or physically disabled, esp. in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with difficulty.")

Here is Pooping Red Guy's offical PSA:

Kids, Star Wars is NEVER uncool and those who love it therefore are cool by default.

The bitter truth for those teasing little 6 and 7 year-old boys is that in 10 years or so, they would wish themselves so lucky as to have a partner that loves all things Star Wars as much as they do.   I'm not convinced that any marriage could survive without a mutual love of Star Wars, which may be to blame for a our country's high divorce rate. Think, my fellow Americans, of the divorced couples you know. Was The Force with them? Probably not. 

The little Padawan girl is lucky to have such a wonderful mom, whose words can rally and unite those girls who endured a little teasing of their own in child-hood, but held fast to the faith that The Force is with all of us. How we choose to use our powers is up to us. Those little boys went to the Dark Side, while little Katie and her steadfast Master Mom basked in the light. 

I beat this game before my son did and the ending made me cry!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dear Netflix

Bookmark and Share
I wouldn't exactly say I like "prostitution".
So now you want me to tell you how often I watch prostitution? You've gotten be kidding!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I'm not saying my cat may be the Anti-Christ...

Bookmark and Share
but she LOVES to knock Jesus over. Seriously. Here photo evidence:

What's important is what (or whom) is NOT in this picture. That would be the J-man because my cat, Socks- the bane of my husband's and Jesus' existence, has knocked Jesus onto the floor. When you are a 9 inch son of God action figure, that 3 foot drop is the equivalent of jumping off the Chesapeake Bay Bridge without a safety cable (or whatever may save you from plunging to your death).

Good thing for Jesus that he has the ability to resurrect himself or else he'd be toast- and not the kind you could sell on eBay for $50,000 dollars. I'm talking the kind that you burn because some jerk turned your toaster setting to 10 and you are having one of those mornings so that after two minutes, you forget you were making toast and go the bathroom only to emerge in time to see for the first time ever that yes, toast does really pop out of the toaster like on the cartoons, but only if its one step away from charcoal. (I think it makes it more aerodynamic) Then your whole day is ruined because you don't have a enough time to make more toast and even if you could, you are outta bread, pay day is tomorrow and you don't have any lunch money so you were counting on that breakfast to hold you off until dinner. You know, that kinda toast.

So, that's why my cat may be the Devil in the flesh, er fur. We all know that no matter what, Jesus perseveres. Despite their tumultuous relationship, I love my cat from hell and Jesus just the same. After all, isn't that exactly what Jesus preaches?

Friday, November 5, 2010

And now for something completely different: Let's Shake Things Up!

Bookmark and Share
When I was a little girl, my mother used to watch the television show Murder She Wrote. I remember fondly that no one was allowed to interrupt my mom during the hour when Jessica Fletcher solved the homicide du jour. Since we only had one TV at that point, I was stuck watching it.

My dad, not being one for television or for listening to my mom's no talking mandate, spent a good portion of that silent-hour saying "Jessica did it!". Why? Because everywhere that woman went, someone died. He then would wonder aloud, much to my mom's dismay, why Jessica Fletcher's friends invited her anywhere, because when they did, there was surely death to follow. In her home town, the murder rate was sky-high. Why they didn't bar her completely, I'll never know.

I read an article today on Yahoo News that reminded me of Harbinger of Death, also known as Jessica Fletcher, this morning. Did you know the leading cause of earthquakes is Hillary Clinton? Here's an excerpt from the article:

CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand — What is it about Hillary Rodham Clinton and earthquakes? Seems the secretary of state rarely takes an overseas trip that is not in some way affected by a temblor.
She may not have felt the earth move under her feet, but as her plane landed Friday in Christchurch, the city was hit by an aftershock from a 7-magnitude quake that struck in September. Two days earlier, as she wrapped up a visit to Papua New Guinea, a 6.0-magnitude quake rattled villages there.

Those seismic events were at least the third and fourth to have hit countries while Clinton was visiting. On her first trip abroad as America's top diplomat in February 2009, Clinton was shaken awake by a minor quake in Japan. Four months later, she felt a 5.0 quake in Honduras. Then, in October 2009, tremors struck Pakistan while Clinton was there.

And those are just the ones she's been present for.

( yeah, I first read it on Yahoo! but those namby-pampys pulled the article.)

Why are we allowing Hillary Clinton to live? If we burn her at the stake, the earthquakes will stop. Its just logic, people.

(Pooping Red Guy approves this message)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Meet Cook.

Bookmark and Share
Now, he looks at lot like Chef from South Park, but I'm not getting sued because I'm posting copyrighted images of popular television characters. No sir. So, this is Cook.

Cook always appears to be shocked by what the others are doing. He also rides in a skull. Chef from South Park does not do that.

I should add that the skull was my husband's anniversary present. We now own three skulls. My house looks like a bachelor pad.  Well, part bachelor pad and part pretend armory. At least one of the skulls we have is pink. That's right, pink. No wonder Cook looks like that. Freud is hanging out in the pink skull. I wonder what that could mean?

Crazy white people.

Why is Pooping Red Guy Called Pooping Red Guy?

Bookmark and Share
Because he looks as if he's pooping and he's red. Plus, he's a dude:

For awhile, we put a bit of newspaper in his hands. I thought he'd get bored just sitting there with nothing to do but poop. Then he got some friends to help keep him entertained. Really, we had Jesus first, but the son of God is a busy guy. He can't play with Pooping Red Guy all the time.


Friday, October 29, 2010

Uh. Why Read This?

Bookmark and Share
It's a complete waste of your time. How do you know Pooping Red Guy? Scram.

The power of Jesus compels you!

Well how about the power of Jesus AND Freud?