The Breasticles Affair: A response

You’re kidding, right? My post entitled “Girls, Get Your Beasticles” wound up in the Men’s Rights section of Reddit. I linked to it on Feministe’s Sunday Shameless Self-Promotion with no clue how it would be received or even if it would get any hits. It did get hits and it made a couple readers uppity (but not here, on Reddit itself, boo!).

It’s too bad those that riled up didn’t seem to have the testicular fortitude (or breasticles, you never know) to leave me any comments on my post. I welcome different points of view. I like a spirited discussion. I am interested in not only how women view relationships, but also how men view them. I ask my husband for his perspective all the time because he has male insight that I simply don’t have… cause, you know, I’m a girl.

Here are the comments I’m talking about:

All I could think is “huh”? Methinks they missed the point of the article. Power struggle in the home? No. I actually have no idea where that came from. There’s no power struggle in my home. I’d never even considered power in our relationship. If you look at relationships in terms at power, I just can’t relate to what you are saying because that’s simply not how my marriage works. I'm not advocating for power struggles either, just healthy relationships for women (which by default includes the opposite sex).

Is it because I didn’t dwell on what I do for my husband or what a women should do for a man in a relationship? Did I not say "Give men x, y, and z?" Did I have to? If you want specific perspective on what my husband gets out of our relationship, well, it’s not my place to speak for him.  I can only define how he treats me, how his actions make me feel and how I see our relationship. If you want, I can ask him.  He's probably not feeling up to it though because he's still recovering from brain surgery. Am I missing something otherwise?

Helping yourself? Of course. If you can't help yourself, who else can you help? Unless the implication is that I don't do anything in my relationship but take, take, take. You'd have to talk to my husband about that one. Am I saying relationships should be one-sided? Absolutely not. Again, I'm a women writing about women for the benefit of women. Making a woman's issue a men's issue isn't going to help women and men have better, healthier relationships, starting with a woman who can define her self-worth in an appropriate manner.

Me, me, me? Absolutely, especially since I’m writing from my perspective, based on my experiences, my interpretation of the world, women and relationships. I’m not in a relationship because I’m selfless. I’m in a relationship because *I* want something out of it. It’s the same reason everyone is in a relationship: We get stuff out of relationships. 

Revolutionary? No. That’s my whole point. Happy relationships have really simple formulas. It starts with friendship and mutual respect. If you, man or woman, are going to stay with man through dozen of affairs and/or any kind of abuse, I’m going to call you a moron. Your friends would probably say the same thing. Men have self-worth issues, too, but it manifests differently in relationships. I can't relate to that, don't have experience living it as a man. I'll leave that to the men to talk about. Not revolutionary, but common sense never is.

But okay, if you want a relationship with someone who it is selfless, who doesn’t want anything from you, who doesn’t ever think about themselves or what you can do to improve their existence, by all means have at it. If you want to be sole factor upon which your partner defines her(or his) self-worth, more power to you. I'd be interested to know how that works out for you. Let's talk.

I’ve kind of noticed that men don’t stick around long if they aren’t getting their needs met in a relationship, which I think is really smart.  They define themselves on different sorts of feedback, like career, hobbies, money, family… but not by how self-sacrificing they are to their partners, how they'll stay no matter what.  They don’t normally trap a woman into obligation through pregnancy. And they don’t put up with unfaithful women, especially if those affairs reach double digits. If a woman can't meet a man's expectations, men don't beat around the bush. They'll tell you what they need and if you can't provide it for them, they'll find someone who can. I admit, I could be dead wrong on this one. My observations could be skewed somehow. Correct me if needed, please.

Here’s the thing: I’m a girl. I write about girl stuff at times. I write about relationships because they fascinate me. I write from a female perspective because it’s what I know. I also write from experience. I’m confused as to how or why that is wrong. Perhaps someone can clarify this for me because here is what I’m hearing:

Thinking of myself, what I get out of my healthy relationship, what I see as flawed logic used by women in unhealthy relationships (and just in terms of thinking about relationships in general) is somehow wrong. My saying in the post that women shouldn’t define their self-worth by what men think of them and that they perpetuate things like maltreatment and domestic violence by doing so, by subscribing to that idea, and/or living it through their actions is incorrect? 

The second comment just wireds me out. Hoping off of bad boy cock? I didn’t hop off bad boy cock. I ran the hell away from it as fast I could… all the way to the police station. Why? Because that “bad boy” started beating my stomach when “his genes” were gestating inside of it. Plus, I was tired of all MY hard earned money paying for HIS expensive crack habit. And basically I didn’t want to raise a child with a crackhead.

Pardon me, but I think that it would have been irresponsible and selfish of me to stay with an abusive drug addict. Did I mention I would have also been homeless? The money I gave said "biodad" to pay rent apparently went to drugs. It's fair for a child to have to deal with this kinda behavior? I didn't realize that!

Oh yeah, let me give him his son back. We all know the best place for a kid is with someone not equipped to care for them or themselves, can't provide a home, can't provide food, likes to beat people, go on drug binges and is constantly institutionalized. I should have just stayed and let my gestating son die while I had the chance so that no one else could raise him, my bad.  

Lord forbid I re-married—a crime against father’s right to make a mother suffer through her choices. After all, it’s all my fault another man has stepped into the role of father to my son. Let me run down to the courthouse now so I can file for divorce. Or maybe I should be stoned to death? How could I ever right this wrong? 

I've got an idea: Contact me for his name and phone number. You can ask him about how I took his child away from him, ask him what you can do to help stop me from with-holding his genes from him. How you can help get me away from my husband, too. I'd be happy to give out his info and I'm sure he'd be happy for the commiseration, but don't be surprised if I laugh my tail off doing so... Oh dear, if you only knew...  

I picked a provider, which I didn’t know was an option off the table. I missed that in the dating manual. Even though I was working at the time, supporting myself and my son (with no child support, mind you) I obviously picked a mate based on his ability to pay my way. I've also done some supporting of my husband, but how could that be? Oh, and even though I was making the one of the biggest decisions of our lives (both mine and my son’s), I shouldn’t have even considered my future partner’s ability to parent. Cause that’s just wrong. I just need to sit there with my vagina and get picked like a blossoming flower.

I don’t even begin to understand what the point of that comment was… or what sort of logic it uses, except children don’t have rights. Or maybe women shouldn’t leave the fathers of their children because a biological father knows best how to raise a child that shares their DNA.Or maybe its that you need to stand by your partner no matter what they do, even if it causes harm. Children do not need healthy parents, they need DNA closeness.

I am offended by anyone who thinks my child does not have the right to loving parents in a stable environment, free from abuse of every kind. I think every child deserves that, not just mine. I'll say it again: Unhealthy relationships damage children. It is a fact.

That damage is well documented and you can go ahead an interview adults who grew up with it to even the smallest degree of abuse in their home. Ask them how it affects them today and how it affected them in their childhood. You can go ahead and do the same for children whose parents just didn’t get along, had affairs, did drugs, committed crimes, and who had parents that were generally just not nice or severely unhappy. Let me know if you come up with something different than the accepted facts.

Now, I’m the type of person who isn’t going to stand by anyone who repeatedly behaves badly, especially when it’s directed towards me or my child. Maybe I am fundamentally flawed, but no matter the relationship or the gender, if you fool me once shame on you, twice shame on me so to speak. I'm going to exercise my freedom-- freedom from maltreatment, freedom to choose who I have in my personal life, and my right to life a safe life in the pursuit of happiness.

I’m left wondering from these comments what I’m missing. Why exactly do we pick partners? Or is it that women should not pick, but be picked? What am I missing here? Are you telling me that women should stand by their man no matter what? What insight do I lack? Are my breasticles bigger than your testicles? Or should women just take whatever bones men throw? Does any of this matter? You tell me. Seriously, educate me on your perspective, thoughts, ideas... educate me on the male point of view. Again, I'm a woman, so I cannot pretend to speak for men.

And would you, dear readers,—especially the men—stay with a partner regardless of their actions, regardless of disrespect, chronic infidelity, abuse and other actions that dishonor a partnership or you as a partner? Would you stand by your man or woman until the day you die no matter how bad they hurt you and your family?

Editing this to add:


I've put on comment moderation. Not that I get a lot of comments, but there are some people who want attention and I refuse to give it. This is my space where I write about my life. MY LIFE. The past is what is it is. You don't get to the here and now because of no good reason. Things are what they are because of the histories we create for ourselves. If you are making your life better, you work the steps, do what's required and stop complaining about and blaming other people. You own your behaviors and understand why those you hurt, threatened and basically made life hell for aren't going to trust what you say until there is a long history of compliance and good behavior. And having your wife/girlfriend/fiance or whatever post here is the same game we've been through for 10 years. It's always the girls contacting saying poor him... so to me, that' proof the behavior has not changed. 

And yeah, I'm deleting the comments made by the latest gal in my ex's life.  Cause *I* can control my own space. Yay! 

Girls, get your breasticles!

Breasticles. You know, like testicles... or bollocks or balls? Testicular fortitude? Only for women. Guts. Self-worth and respect. Grow a pair. Stop letting men define who are and walk all over you just because you are too impatient to a) wait for the right man or b) think a woman's worth is directly related to how much attention men give them. Neither is true and seeing a fellow femme behave like they are is very, very maddening.

I watched Dr. Phil today. I know, I shouldn't have because I knew it'd make uppity yet, here we are. Ride or die my arse. You are a coward. You are afraid to put in the effort it takes to find the person that will treat you with the utmost respect or you are afraid to demand respect from the current bozo in your life.

I get this from younger girls. There is a learning curve, especially if we haven't had good role models. If you keep finding yourself in relationships where you mistreated and disrespected, you need help from a professional unless you are willing to or smart enough to figure it out yourself. Do something to change it so you can have the kind of relationship you've always dreamed about.

It's not rocket science but it can be difficult. That's why we have dating: So you can practice being in a relationship, interview potential mates and basically set yourself up for the sort of happily ever after you want and deserve.

It took me three tries. Of course, no one thinks I had a hand in picking the last one. He treats me well, dotes on me, cares for me, provides for me as best he can and is an excellent father and relationship role model for my son. The first two were TERRIBLE. I admit it. I choose poorly, but even still I learned from those serious relationships. The second one was abusive, so I took three years off from dating to prepare myself for a solid relationship... but not just that, I made sure I was in good emotional health before I put myself out there. The more insight you have, the more you are able to reflect (and not rationalize, don't confuse the two) on your past and your behaviors, the better equipped you are to make a relationship work.

My husband didn't rescue me from anything. Luck didn't bring him into my life. It was a choice, my choice. I empowered myself to make healthy relationship choices. I didn't allow myself to be a doormat. I negotiated the terms of marriage. I work at my relationship every single day.

And I knew that through my actions and behavior, I was teaching my son how to be a mate. I am teaching him how to treat a woman. I am teaching him what women are. So, it was my goal to be a positive model for him. I am not going to allow him the message that women are sub-human, doormats, that wait on us hand and foot. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word and there are consequences for your actions in a relationship.

My son sees his parents in love. Real love. The kind where we leave little love notes for each other. The kind that is full of affection. The kind where you have fun together, hug, joke, and work together to solve problems. The kind where you communicate your feelings-- good, bad or indifferent -- in a healthy way.

To be in a relationship as a woman where you are the only one making sacrifices, where you mother a partner to death, where you are not respected... well, it's tantamount to child abuse. Unhealthy relationships DAMAGE CHILDREN. I repeat:  

Unhealthy relationships damage children.

My parents fought when I was child. They didn't get along. It was hard on my little self then. Eventually, they grew into their marriage in a healthy way. Somehow I learned to stand back and look at the big picture so I could get this whole crazy relationship/marriage thing down after a few tries. I knew where I wanted to go, it just took me awhile to get there. Let me tell you that it was worth it. I wouldn't trade my husband for the world...

I would love for every woman I know to experience THIS sorta of marriage. A happy one, despite our problems. We are a team. We have disagreements, but very rarely raise our voices. We communicate in a way that is effective every day, even when we are mad or upset. We apologize to each other when we get snappy. I'm married to my very best friend in the entire world.

My husband and I have never said anything terrible to each other. We never call each other names when we disagree. We never say things to hurt the other. There is no unfair fighting here, barely any raised voices even. (The whole surgery blow out was an exception because we did raise our voices, but we still didn't say anything that hurt the other and we did end up calming down to really talk it out, seeing each others point of view because that is how its done.)

But he also knows that there are certain things I will not tolerate: Abuse, cheating, being mean, taking his anger out on me, lying... you know, all that yucky stuff that some of you reading this put up with all the time because you want or hope if you do it means you are a loving partner. Or something, maybe its easier, maybe you read to many romance novels.

I know a girl who is so good at rationalizing bad relationship behavior (hers and/or his) that she could make it a side-show experience. (Step right up, folks! Only a quarter to see the amazing Rosie the Rationalizer) All she wants is a house to run, babies in her belly and a husband that goes off to work everyday while blowing her a kiss. But she will NEVER EVER get that dream. She'll get the guy who is looking to bag a wife he can mold, give him a sense of family when he wants while grabbing a piece of tail at the bar during happy hour.  The kind of wife who will take it because she is dumb enough to believe its worth it, that she's not worth a good relationship.

She doesn't have the breasticles to put in the effort she needs to get what she wants because she wants what she wants right now. This girl will perpetuate this behavior-- perpetuate this sort of relationship for her children and worse of all for her future daughters. She will teach her children that women are P.O.S's to trample on and are there only to serve men. She will teach her future kids that women are defined solely by men. Her daughters will not have breasticles, they will only have relationships, unhealthy relationships because mom didn't model healthy ones. 

Break the cycle, ladies. Break it now. Don't stay in a relationship where you are not treated well. Don't excuse a man's bad behavior or think you will change him or that he'll wake up one day to realize he's made mistakes, apologize and says he loves you enough to stop hurting you.

It won't happen. Dr. Phil is right: You teach people how to treat you. And you teach kids how people ought to be treated and how relationships work. If you are in a relationship where you are constantly getting hurt and you have kids, you are HURTING your children.

Don't say he's good man because he doesn't hit you. Phooey. Good relationships are not good because they aren't physically violent. Good relationships are happy AND healthy emotionally, physically and mentally. Hitting isn't even a thought... I can tell how good a woman's relationship by whether or not she says "Oh, he'd never lay a hand on me" or "He doesn't get physical with me". That means at some point you, dear woman, thought he might hit you. He scared the bejebus out of you. That statement makes us healthy people in happy relationships wary. Red flag. Huge red flag-- you aren't fooling us. 

Don't let a penis define your self-worth. END OF STORY. END OF RANT. 

Now, are ready to work on those breasticles or do you already have them?

Now for something...

...completely different.


I like Dr. Phil because he has a decent, practical approach to life. Nothing is ever rocket science, its all down to earth and my husband is known as the "Dr. Phil" of his company (he's not a doctor, but a therapist). I imagine they subscribe to same school of psychology. The husband doesn't care for the format in which Dr. Phil conducts his therapy, but he respects the underlying philosophy.

Today, while browsing my facebook news feed, I came across this:

It really made me think. Ongoing feud? Why? Why on earth would you let your marriage have an ongoing feud? In fourty-one minutes, the questioned garnered almost 400 answers, most them of stating the particular feud in their marriage. Thank goodness some people answer that life is simply too short to get your knickers in a twist over hair in the sink, the toothpaste cap and not putting the toilet seat down. I agree with the minority.

I think that when you are truly in love, in real love, you find those idiosyncrasies endearing. You understand that your spouses sole purpose on earth is not to annoy you with a barrage of disgusting or different habits. You love their flaws because its what makes them different from you, what makes them uniquely human. My husband's hair in the sink doesn't bother me in the least. Sometimes I wonder how he does it, but instead of getting intensely frustrated that 6 years into our relationship we can't overcome that problem (because it clogs the sink), I actually think about him, the person, with warm, fuzzy thoughts.

I wonder about sink design-- why hasn't anyone developed a man-proof sink yet? That makes me think about how impractical men are when designing the nuts and bolts of household appliances and fixtures. If they don't clean it and unclog it, how do they know its a design flaw?

That's the thing about these feuds. What happens is that you think your partner is purposely doing something to annoy you. Then the offending partner gets caught off guard with you unloading this rather small, but intimate complaint in a big way. The offending partner feels bad for offending and what's worse is the culprit is an ingrained habit of which a second thought is never given. The offending partner feels personally attacked for being themselves (which no one likes!). They find themselves arguing that the behavior wasn't to punish you for X, Y and Z or because they wanted to stick it to you for the sake of mean-ness. Then it gets ugly, quickly.

Words fly, feelings get hurt, and one day you may even find yourself with irreconcilable differences because he's got to trim the beard he grew in order to minimize the hair clogs in the sink. Or maybe he never altered the behavior and the offended partner feels like she isn't important enough to accommodate. In whatever case, its easy to let facial hair, a tube of toothpaste, a toilet seat, or household duty sharing spiral out of control.

Yet, nobody gets divorced because of toothpaste. They get divorced because they feel unloved, they feel their needs weren't being met and the marriage became a very negative circumstance with hurt feelings.  You get divorced because these feuds have the underlying message that "He doesn't love me enough to consider how his actions make me feel". Or "She didn't love me enough to consider how her judgment feels to me".

We have this idea that we should just *know* how to have a relationship, how to exist in a marriage, how to navigate all the rocky seas of coupling instinctively. The problem is we don't have these instincts. As mom of an autistic kid, let me say that no one has a freaking clue. These things are learned and not all relationship education is created equal. We have this funny habit of assuming the other half of our marital unit should know how we feel, how to make us feel better or worse, and how fix their irritating habits for us to feel better. Rarely do we take the time to educate ourselves on how this actually works. Let me tell you, your partner doesn't know-- sometimes they just make good guesses based on history. Sometimes not. And changing habits? In marriage, it doesn't work so well solo. Marriage is about a team effort.

Part of the problem is our inability to choose the correct partners. We settle, we rush into relationships, we think we change our mates after the wedding, we don't realize that what our deal-breakers are, we are too lazy to work at it and think a healthy, happy relationship just happens.

We fail to realize that we have the super-power in our lives that has been known to save marriages: We get to choose how act and re-act. Should our partners change their annoying habits or should we change our reaction to those habits? I think the answer is somewhere in between. Combining appropriate action with appropriate re-action is freaking awesome.

Duh-da-da-duh: Super Wife and Super Husband with their uncanny abilities to put things in perspective!! A dynamic duo, indeed!

If there is something that really irritates me, I discuss it with my husband. I make it a point to make sure he knows that I know it is not something he intentionally does to hurt me. I make sure he knows that I love him. I explain rationally, calmly and without judgment (no way it ever helpful to say "you are nasty human being because you left the toilet seat up!) the problem *I* am having. After all, it is my issue and its something I need his help to resolve. In turn, he is willing to make me feel more comfortable by either obliging, working to a reasonable compromise, or allowing me to sort through why it bothers me in a supportive way. This is a great strategy for the big things-- parenting, money, work, intimacy, family-- not just the little. We communicate our needs pretty well so that there is no feuding.

Sometimes, I will exclaim something completely random when I am frazzled and encounter all my pre-rinsed, dishwasher ready dishes  covered in ranch dressing. I normally throw up my hands, saying "Argh! You people drive me crazy!" in an exaggerated tone. Just doing that makes me laugh out loud, but if it doesn't, my husband's deer in the headlight look does. I can't help but love the fact that he doesn't want to test my sanity with ranch dressing or other condiments. So, I apologize, explain that I'm just frazzled (or have PMS) and melt into his arms. I also make it a point to follow up my post-hug apology with a stunning compliment and a "I love you more than anything". He has his own ritual for changing asshole behavior to loving husband behavior. It works.

There isn't much that bothers me and it isn't often. I can't help but marvel at our capacity to love when I am unclogging a drain. It's is marvelously amazing that as his wife, I am the only person who knows his most intimate habits and flaws. He knows my strange habits and accept them as part of what makes me, me. On top of all this, we love each other. I think he's funny, brilliant, a great father and husband and sexy ass man (and vice-versa). I still get butterflies when walks in the room, despite the knowledge of those intimate habits (that many people find annoying).

I think about how sad it would be if those little, pesky facial hairs no longer graced my sink. How awful it would be if I didn't find empty protein bar containers in cupboard. If his cups no longer needed my assistance getting to the dishwasher. If he never, ever picked up a new toy instead of paying a bill. That would mean he was not with me. That is a very real possibility for us, so I cannot fathom why anyone would choose to argue and feud over such trivial things that when approached in a positive manner could actually further your martial bond.