I watched Dr. Phil today. I know, I shouldn't have because I knew it'd make uppity yet, here we are. Ride or die my arse. You are a coward. You are afraid to put in the effort it takes to find the person that will treat you with the utmost respect or you are afraid to demand respect from the current bozo in your life.
I get this from younger girls. There is a learning curve, especially if we haven't had good role models. If you keep finding yourself in relationships where you mistreated and disrespected, you need help from a professional unless you are willing to or smart enough to figure it out yourself. Do something to change it so you can have the kind of relationship you've always dreamed about.
It's not rocket science but it can be difficult. That's why we have dating: So you can practice being in a relationship, interview potential mates and basically set yourself up for the sort of happily ever after you want and deserve.
It took me three tries. Of course, no one thinks I had a hand in picking the last one. He treats me well, dotes on me, cares for me, provides for me as best he can and is an excellent father and relationship role model for my son. The first two were TERRIBLE. I admit it. I choose poorly, but even still I learned from those serious relationships. The second one was abusive, so I took three years off from dating to prepare myself for a solid relationship... but not just that, I made sure I was in good emotional health before I put myself out there. The more insight you have, the more you are able to reflect (and not rationalize, don't confuse the two) on your past and your behaviors, the better equipped you are to make a relationship work.
My husband didn't rescue me from anything. Luck didn't bring him into my life. It was a choice, my choice. I empowered myself to make healthy relationship choices. I didn't allow myself to be a doormat. I negotiated the terms of marriage. I work at my relationship every single day.
And I knew that through my actions and behavior, I was teaching my son how to be a mate. I am teaching him how to treat a woman. I am teaching him what women are. So, it was my goal to be a positive model for him. I am not going to allow him the message that women are sub-human, doormats, that wait on us hand and foot. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word and there are consequences for your actions in a relationship.
My son sees his parents in love. Real love. The kind where we leave little love notes for each other. The kind that is full of affection. The kind where you have fun together, hug, joke, and work together to solve problems. The kind where you communicate your feelings-- good, bad or indifferent -- in a healthy way.
To be in a relationship as a woman where you are the only one making sacrifices, where you mother a partner to death, where you are not respected... well, it's tantamount to child abuse. Unhealthy relationships DAMAGE CHILDREN. I repeat:
Unhealthy relationships damage children.
My parents fought when I was child. They didn't get along. It was hard on my little self then. Eventually, they grew into their marriage in a healthy way. Somehow I learned to stand back and look at the big picture so I could get this whole crazy relationship/marriage thing down after a few tries. I knew where I wanted to go, it just took me awhile to get there. Let me tell you that it was worth it. I wouldn't trade my husband for the world...
I would love for every woman I know to experience THIS sorta of marriage. A happy one, despite our problems. We are a team. We have disagreements, but very rarely raise our voices. We communicate in a way that is effective every day, even when we are mad or upset. We apologize to each other when we get snappy. I'm married to my very best friend in the entire world.
My husband and I have never said anything terrible to each other. We never call each other names when we disagree. We never say things to hurt the other. There is no unfair fighting here, barely any raised voices even. (The whole surgery blow out was an exception because we did raise our voices, but we still didn't say anything that hurt the other and we did end up calming down to really talk it out, seeing each others point of view because that is how its done.)
But he also knows that there are certain things I will not tolerate: Abuse, cheating, being mean, taking his anger out on me, lying... you know, all that yucky stuff that some of you reading this put up with all the time because you want or hope if you do it means you are a loving partner. Or something, maybe its easier, maybe you read to many romance novels.
I know a girl who is so good at rationalizing bad relationship behavior (hers and/or his) that she could make it a side-show experience. (Step right up, folks! Only a quarter to see the amazing Rosie the Rationalizer) All she wants is a house to run, babies in her belly and a husband that goes off to work everyday while blowing her a kiss. But she will NEVER EVER get that dream. She'll get the guy who is looking to bag a wife he can mold, give him a sense of family when he wants while grabbing a piece of tail at the bar during happy hour. The kind of wife who will take it because she is dumb enough to believe its worth it, that she's not worth a good relationship.
She doesn't have the breasticles to put in the effort she needs to get what she wants because she wants what she wants right now. This girl will perpetuate this behavior-- perpetuate this sort of relationship for her children and worse of all for her future daughters. She will teach her children that women are P.O.S's to trample on and are there only to serve men. She will teach her future kids that women are defined solely by men. Her daughters will not have breasticles, they will only have relationships, unhealthy relationships because mom didn't model healthy ones.
Break the cycle, ladies. Break it now. Don't stay in a relationship where you are not treated well. Don't excuse a man's bad behavior or think you will change him or that he'll wake up one day to realize he's made mistakes, apologize and says he loves you enough to stop hurting you.
It won't happen. Dr. Phil is right: You teach people how to treat you. And you teach kids how people ought to be treated and how relationships work. If you are in a relationship where you are constantly getting hurt and you have kids, you are HURTING your children.
Don't say he's good man because he doesn't hit you. Phooey. Good relationships are not good because they aren't physically violent. Good relationships are happy AND healthy emotionally, physically and mentally. Hitting isn't even a thought... I can tell how good a woman's relationship by whether or not she says "Oh, he'd never lay a hand on me" or "He doesn't get physical with me". That means at some point you, dear woman, thought he might hit you. He scared the bejebus out of you. That statement makes us healthy people in happy relationships wary. Red flag. Huge red flag-- you aren't fooling us.
Don't let a penis define your self-worth. END OF STORY. END OF RANT.
Now, are ready to work on those breasticles or do you already have them?