What are you getting at the store?

Warning: This post is not suitable for those under the age of 18 or the easily offended. This post contains mature topics and is adult themed. If you are not comfortable with the Family Planning aisle of your local drug store or not comfortable discussing reproductive issues, please hit the back button on your browser. 

***Read at your own risk***

For some reason, I seem to be visiting retail establishments on a daily basis these days. Between visitors and pharmacy visits, it seems my household needs a lot of things lately. It doesn't help that with a convalescing husband, guests, an autistic son, and an early heatwave I find myself very forgetful these days. I used to be able to avoid shopping like the plague with careful planning and a healthy "oh well, we can live without [insert item here] for another week". I miss those days.


I've noticed something odd lately: When I announce I'll be right back because I'm going to Walgreen's for emergency Twizzlers at 9pm (or that thing I forgot that my husband can't survive without), someone else always seems to ask "What are you getting at the store?".

I answer the question with a question because I assume someone else desires an item not found in my home: "Do you need/want anything?" Surprisingly, the answer always seems to be "no". When I'm trying to make quick work of shopping (so I can finally sit down and enjoy a hot cup of coffee or warm dinner, or just want to go to bed), I'm not feeling up to discussing my shopping list. I also feel like I am not obligated to do so either.

The interest in my mundane shopping list never wanes, so I have decided instead of being annoyed with in the delaying discussion, I am going to have fun with it. Here are some answers that I have in my newly developed repertoire:

• I need some Alka Seltzer and Depends for my explosive diarrhea.
• I need some super sized tampons because I'm bleeding everywhere. 
• We are out of extra large, ribbed condoms.
• I forgot to pick up some vaginal ointment.
• I'm out of Preparation H.
• My husband is out of ExtenZe.
• The bottle of Astroglide is empty.
• The new issue of Jugs just hit the news stands.
• I need batteries for my vibrator.
• I have a killer hemorrhoid-- so maybe you can help me hit it with the Tucks medicated pads when I get back?
• My toe fungus is back.
• The herpes is back.

Perhaps these answers will make it easier for me to leave the house in a hurry? I can't help but feel like I don't need to discuss every purchase I make at a round table. If you want something when I am going out, ask the appropriate question. "Would you please get me some [insert item here]?" Otherwise, unless I'm spending your money, my shopping list isn't your business.

If you have any fun things to add to my list, please feel free to leave a comment. I'd love to hear what answers you'd provide to make the askers regret their asking!