Saturday, August 6, 2011

The Psychic (or Vampire Crazy Lady)

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See, there's the psychic I was friends with... The hubby and I were actually a member of her paranormal investigative group. We did all sorts of things for them, basically investing time, money and energy into her many causes. I shouldn't say "her" because it was a family affair.

This particular psychic (to the stars, she claims) has three major projects: She charges people for psychic readings, privately, over the phone, email, at parties and events, she publishes (or was publishing, because there hasn't been an issue in a long time) a psychic/wiccan magazine, and does paranormal investigations.

She's a busy lady. When we were friends with her, we helped her. And by help, it always seemed to me that we not provide assistance or do anything along side her, but do it for her. Everything needed to be done immediately because she had deadlines. Yet, when something completed was handed over to her all the sudden the rush, the necessity wore off.

I did mock ups of website for her to improve her business model. She had lackluster sales and being that I was heavy into selling at online venues at the time (which I have been taking a break from since April because of the hubby's health) and with almost 20 years of award winning customer service under my belt, I shared my tips and tricks with her. Her website is out-dated, not user friendly, and basically looks like it's circa. 1995. She did not feel that was a hindrance to her success.

I sent friends to her website and they complained about it. I sent potential advertisers to her page, but never heard back from most of them. When I did, it was the standard "that's not right for my business". Even I didn't want to put out money for advertising in her magazine with her website such a mess. No one would stay on her site long enough to see my ad.

The most embarrassing moment was when the two of us were guests on a popular paranormal internet radio show. She directed listeners to the website to look at evidence from previous investigations. Even the hosts of the show could not get the EVPs to play or so they said. My guess is it just took too long to get the page... or they got lost in the twenty-thousand new spawned tabs and windows.

She uses Facebook, but not a fan page, but a friend page that has a cap on total amount of friends and limits you ability to market your brand. I suggested a fan page, but she wasn't interested. It was a darn shame because people like Aaron Goodwin and Anne Rice have excellent models of fan pages. Anne Rice by far has the most engaging, interactive fan page I've ever seen. She's responded to me personally *swoon*. Aaron Goodwin has not only promoted his television show, but created a lucrative side business with his use of social media. Her time was spent accepting gifts on Facebook, I guess because it's boosted her ego.

None of my suggestions were given a second thought by her, yet my husband could say the exact same thing and it'd be a great idea. You see, she doesn't have a very high opinion of women at all. My husband and I tested this theory all the time with little things. She'd take what he said to heart, not realizing that I told him to say it.

But when it comes to her business, the only person who could ever influence her in those decisions were one of husbands. (She's had twelve). She only seems to wanted to use me as her personal assistant, free of charge. I let her, I ashamed to say. She only wanted to use the hubby to boost her credibility. She has a history of burning through the kindness of friends, sucking them dry like a vampire.

The last command she barked at me was a letter she wished me to type up. She gave me the summary for a reference (because why should she type the letter herself?) of what she wanted said in this letter. She wanted my husband, with the letters behind his name, to sign and deliver it to her. We've given her a letter of reference before, so I was not surprised or unwilling. When I got the email, my jaw dropped to the floor.

I don't know what my husband agreed to exactly, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't that. And if it was, then he did not understand completely thanks to his surgery. (Comprehension is something he has issue with at times) I discussed the outrageous lie of of a reference with him and he agreed that it was not something we wanted to be involved in. I don't want to attract any bad karma, especially since she is even worse with money than we were and has a long track record of either suing landlords or being sued by them. I was not letting her have carte-blanche with my husband's reputation.

I sent her a nice, cordial, but honest reply. Her being a psychic, I assumed that she'd understand that the choice was to prevent bad karma and the tone was kind. I said we could give some other sort of reference, but not that one. I'm not sure she's that good, at least not in emails. Or perhaps selfishness over-ruled any gifts she has because her reply to me spewed venom. You could just feel the evil emanating off the email screen.

And she wonders why bad things keep happening to her?

Reminded me of my ex's crazy rants. She threatened me, my kid, my husband... Oy. She's going to have me deported, dontcha know. I can only hope because I need a vacation and Denmark is a beautiful place filled with my family, so I wouldn't need to pay for a hotel. Ticket to Aalborg, if you would Uncle Sam. (It's too bad I was born in Washington, D.C., huh?) She's going to call someone to punish me for having a homeschooled child with Asperger's Syndrome, too. And she's gonna tell my husband's parents how awful we are (like they don't already know us). She is just gonna get me. Punish me for all my sins against her. Punish me for telling her the truth.

If it were my husband who said any of this, she'd crawl right up his rectum and say "no problem" and leech off of whatever he casts out to her. But I'm a girl, so how dare I not bow down to her?

I was shocked at first, but now I'm flattered and in stitches over this. When I'm 62, I'm gonna wear a big, ugly hat and put spam in people's shopping carts, not on their Facebook feed. I'm gonna sun myself on the beach in some gaudy bathing suit, on a hot pink beach towel. Even if I'm homeless, even if I'm in wheel chair with pink racing stripes and neon yellow flames. I'll pimp our my walker and smile at young kids. I won't go around asking people to lie for me, especially not friends. And I'd be gracious when they refuse such an outrageous favor because I understand that no one owes me anything.

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